Is it harmful to have sex before marriage? And if so, why is that? Isn’t it important to get to know each other in a sexual way as well before you commit to each other for life in the covenant of matrimony? This article will answer these questions honestly and supported from the Bible.
Sex before marriage has become the norm. In fact, most people today have sex without any marriage at all… No wonder so many Christians question why God would not want people to give their bodies to each other outside the safe walls of a marriage. What is wrong with having sex if you love each other? If you have chosen to commit to each other, how can it be wrong to have sex before you get married? What does the Bible say about sex before marriage?
Having sex creates a union
An important characteristic of sex is the special intimate connection you experience with another person. This connection is much more than just physical. The Bible tells us that people are much more than just a piece of meat that is able to enjoy nice experiences
First and foremost we are a spirit and we possess a soul.
This is what the Bible says about this:
‘Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ (1 Tessalonians 5:23)
We find ourselves in a physical shell, but we are not our body. We are a unique spirit that possesses a unique soul that resides in a body. When you have sex, there’s more going on than just physical activity. Not only do your bodies become one, your spirit and soul become connected as well. The consequences of that are much greater than most people realize. You connect the most essential part of yourself to the other person. You literally reveal yourself. You make yourself vulnerable. You give up your intimacy. You not only give your most sensitive, delicate part of your body to another person but you also open your inner being to the other person.
Sex is much more than a physical act.
Your heart is more involved than you realize. Your spirit is involved. Your soul is involved along with your feelings and your thoughts. You connect a very deep, very beautiful and very fragile part of yourself with another spirit, soul and body. The only safe, healthy way to do that is in a relationship that is surrounded by a safe wall of trust and security.
Only a marriage can offer this kind of safe protection.
When you marry someone you promise to commit, care and protect them for life. You offer each other a safe place where you can expose yourself with trust, together with God who surrounds and keeps you in his hands with eternal love and goodness. If you give yourself prematurely to the other and that relationship ends, it will likely result in excruciating emotional pain.
Millions of people live with the harrowing pain of a broken relationship.
Only within the boundaries of a healthy marriage will you be able to give yourself safely to the other. There are numerous couples who believed they would spend the rest of their lives together, but broke apart after some time. In the beginning they were convinced they would end up together and having sex before marriage seemed a good idea. Everything seemed to be rosy. But nothing is as variable as the heart of man and love can change. Nothing is as vulnerable as an emotional relationship that lacks a strong foundation. Millions of people have had a relationship they felt would last forever but ended in heartbreak.
If you had sex before marriage, that pain is much more intense than if you would have refrained until later.
If you have been connected to the other person on a physical and spiritual level that is now torn apart, the wound is much deeper than most people realize. Many have been traumatized for life over the loss of a broken relationship. God wants to protect you from that. He wants you to experience the fullness and happiness of a blessed sexual relationship. He wants you to experience security in intimacy, not rejection, humiliation and brokenness. He wants you to experience a loving bond and connection with each other.
God makes you sensitive
God has created you. He has made your heart, your soul, your spirit, your deepest feelings and emotions. You are made in God’s image as a very precious, sensitive and vulnerable human being. Even the strongest of men who present themselves as being tough are ultimately small children who long for tenderness and safety. Many women know this.
We are all vulnerable. It’s how God designed us.
God knows that broken relationships can scar you, sometimes for life. That is why the Bible says: sex is holy and marriage is holy. Holy means: it has been set apart, it belongs to God, it should not be contaminated by evil. Sexuality belongs within the safe covenant of faithful love, in a marriage of two people who promise to protect and care for each other for life. True love is not based on feelings of infatuation but on loyalty and commitment.
God wants to give you the best
God has intended sex to be within the bounds of marriage because he wants you to enjoy your life partner to the fullest. If you’ve had sex with someone else, before your marriage, there will always be a part in you that needs healing in order for you to optimally enjoy your beloved. Then you have already given away that part of yourself to someone else.
You are no longer completely just for your life partner.
Virginity is a precious gift. It’s much more valuable than sexual experiences with varied partners. It’s a destructive lie that says you should ‘practice’ with others before you get to know your partner. There’s nothing more precious and beautiful than being able to give yourself completely without blemish to the one person that will be with you for the rest of your life.
God wants to give you as a pure and undefiled gift to your one and only beloved. Just like he gave Eve to Adam.
Society makes us believe it is a good thing if you spoil yourself with others before you commit to one single person. People who think like that do not know love. They haven’t a clue about the joy and beauty that God has put in the love relationship between husband and wife. They don’t know any better. They live in mental poverty. But if you have given your life to Jesus Christ, you have become royalty, a beloved and precious child of the Most High King, God Himself. You are now a precious beloved of the Creator of sexuality. He wants to give to you what the godless world has lost. However this requires patience and discipline.
Sex before marriage is not the basis for a lasting relationship
One of the dangers of sex before marriage is that you develop a relationship based on the sexual pleasure you experience together. But that is temporary. It is by no means a foundation for a happy life together. Countless people get married and shortly after file for divorce because the dream changes into a nightmare. Apparently they didn’t marry the person they thought he/she was. Or they themselves turn out not to be the person the other expected them to be. So how do you prevent this?
You really get to know a person by building a friendship without sex.
Talking with each other, undertake activities as friends, having fun together, getting to know each other’s heart, thoughts and feelings. That is how you discover the real person. The danger of sex is that once you’ve started it, you can’t do without it any more. The feeling can be so intense that you desire it again and again. You will give yourself too soon to someone you don’t really know and set yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment. Many think they know each other but they actually don’t. The continuous relationship drama will be a horrifying and sobering experience. But by then it is too late. The damage has been done and not easily reversed. It is of the utmost importance that you learn to relate with each other as normal friends. Developing a solid relationship mainly happens by talking together, doing things together and respecting each others boundaries.
This way you really get to know each other, separate from sexual pleasure.
If you relate with each other based on sex, the other person is basically just a remedy to satisfy your sexual desires. Or to fulfill your emotional needs. A relationship like that won’t last. Many people go from one relationship to the other. If one fails, they quickly find someone else. This way a person’s heart is being shattered, continuously divided into little pieces. Because every time you enter into an intimate relationship, you give a piece of yourself away. Do you want to experience lasting happiness with the right partner for life? Invest in the most beautiful thing there is: friendship. Get to REALLY know each other, separate from all kinds of intense physical feelings that are ultimately temporary and misleading. Build a strong foundation. If you then discover you don’t really want to share your life with that person or if the other decides not to continue with you, the damage is much less.
You would have preserved an important boundary that has protected both of you.
Sex is something very precious. Don’t just throw it away. Don’t just give yourself to anyone. Save yourself, your heart, your feelings, your sexuality as a beautiful, unique treasure you want to give to the one who can have your all. What is more beautiful than that?
How do you save sex for marriage?
How do you stay sexually pure as an unmarried couple? I want to give you some very important advice: stay very close to God and pray together regularly. Share your desires and struggles with your heavenly Father. He will help you in a wonderful way. He will give you strength and peace to carry the unfulfilled desires. He can bless you richly in your marriage after you have stood the test of waiting. If you feel that you’ve gone too far, pray over it together as well. At times you can give yourself to each other in a moment of passion and arousal which later on will disturb you and take away your peace. That doesn’t always have to be about sexual intercourse. Stroking each others genitals is also part of sexual relations.
Pray together, involve God in it, seek his help and support because without God it is almost impossible to keep to a safe limit.
Don’t let feelings of guilt or shame keep you away from God, if you feel you have gone too far. God knows your desires. He has made you Himself. He knows how you long for love, tenderness, acceptance and security. He understands your longing for physical love. He also knows the effects or hormones that can rage inside you, even if you don’t want them to.
God is your Father and your friend who wants to help you with these things as well.
God is love, remember? He is your friend, not your enemy. He is your defender, not your accuser. God really loves you. He understands more of you than you think. He loves you! He loves your body. He loves your desires. He wants to help you to come to Him with all your weaknesses. Even if you’ve fallen a thousand times, God forgives you. God loves you. Run therefore always TO Him and never AWAY from Him.
Find a confidant
Look for a trustworthy friend or an older couple you can confide in, with whom you can openly speak about your struggles. I used to talk with an older friend of mine about my struggle with the sexual desires and he would pray together with me for God’s help and strength. I committed myself to fight for purity and to come to him to confess my sins if I had tripped up.
You are not as strong when you are on your own. Dare to open your life up to others.
It will help more than you think. When you are fighting the battle by yourself, you are weaker. Once you involve one or more confidants that are able to help you, you will notice that it is working!
God restores your virginity
What are you going to do if you have already had sex before marriage, with someone that will not become your partner for life? Go and pray sincerely to God and ask him to restore you. God is mighty and superb in love. He is even able to restore your virginity. Only God can do that. That is how great his love is.
If you turn yourself away from your sins and come to God, He will give you a new life.
I remember one particular service that the Holy Spirit drew my attention to a certain girl. The Lord gave me these words for her ‘God will restore your virginity’. I had never seen this girl in my life and have never said anything like that before. God sometimes surprises you when his Spirit is working through you. The message touched the girl deeply. Later on her parents told me that she had been abused by a number of boys and had lived a very active sexual life. God promised her a restoration only He can give.
Turn away with all your heart from flirting, seduction and sexual relationships and God will restore you!
Sexuality is precious
Your heart and sexuality are created by God, holy and precious. Protect it like a great treasure that you cannot give to just anyone. There are many people (unfortunately also amongst Christians) that are looking to rob others from their treasures.
Christian dating sites are sometimes the most dangerous places to find yourself.
I know someone who had met up with people that were just out to have sex and were pretending to be holy on the Christian dating sites. Don’t let anyone rob you, don’t let anyone harm you, protect your most prized possession. If you wait patiently for God, He will give you the mercy, love and comfort to persevere.
Pray for your future beloved
If you don’t have a partner yet, start to pray for your future partner and start to zealously bless him or her in your prayers. Intercede for your future loved one because God already knows who it is. This way you can be a great blessing and a warrior of God’s love for your future life partner. When he or she comes to you, you will reap the rewards of all your zealous prayer.
God answers prayers – really!
Consecrate yourself consciously for the person God has meant for you. Set yourself apart, save yourself and look forward to the person that the heavenly Father will bring to you. In the mean time don’t throw yourself in the arms of sin because that will hinder the fulfillment of God’s promise. If you keep yourself pure, God will reward you with the best thing He can give you: a life long loved one with whom you will be able to share everything.